Spike Milligan and the Pytons's Farthing Wood: Part Three
by Hansemist
Summary: Weasel is kidnapped by Hercules Gyrtpype-Thynne and it's up to The animals to save her!


Spike Milligan and The Pythons's Farthing Wood: Part 3.

Freely Slaughtered and Butchered from the Books by Colin Dann.

*Farthing Wood-theme, sped-up and slowed-down*

Narrator: It was a morning unlike every other! Mr. Pheasant was just drinking from nearby lake...

Sound Record:"Sulrping sound effect"

Narrator: It was all peacefull when suddenley...

Sound Record: "Whine followed by crash"

Mr. Pheasant: *muffled* GAWK!

Narrator: Menwhile the weasel was just minding her own business sleeping the day out until!...

"Whine Followed by Fart"

Weasel: *muffled* OWWWW!...

Narrator: Later that day I came to collect some animals for special type of porn!

"Sound Record-Car aproaching followed by sped-up and slowed-down tire screech"

Grytpype-Thynne: Ahhhh, what a nice morning to... Hmmmm!... A small dead weasel, perfect to be turned into the next sex doll!

"Sound Record-Whoosing followed by car door shutting and car speeding off gradually sped up".

Narrator: Meanhvile, the othe namimals where just abot wake up to the a bell ringing in the distance!

"Church Bell ringing-sped up and Slowed-down"

Gran Squirrel: *snoring* Heh?... Who's there?... Oh... I must stop sleeping too much, i need to get out of bed and *terrified*OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Badger: *annoyed* What is it now!?...

Gran Squirrel: *screaming* OOOOHHHH! Just look at that dreaded giant penis up in the sky! OOOHHH!

Badger: What are you talking about there is no... *horrified* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT!?

Gran Squirrel: That's what i've been trying to tell ya'! OOOHHHH! LOOK AT IT! IT'S AWFUL!...

Badger: *shocked* WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING DOING UP THERE!?

Gran Squirrel: *disgusted* *screaming* That's what i've been trying to tell you! OOHHHHHH!...

Old Pheasant: Looks like a fawn with large dumplings!

Badger: Don't be ridiculous! There's no way this can't be real!...

Old Pheasant: But it has large dumpling things and it's up there in the sky!

Sound Record:*fart*

Gran Squirrel: But she has large breast things!

Badger: *interjecting* Rubbish!

Old Pheasant: She must look beautiful!...

Old Pheasant: I'm going up there to make love with her!...

Sound Record: "Helicopter taking off gradually sped-up!"

Gran Squirrel: *saddened* Ahhh, he must have had a nice day up there...

Badger: *annoyed* What do you mean!?

Gran Squirrel: Think about going up there in the sky with that fawn, it's disgraceful!... I never got to go up there and make love with another animal...

Badger: *Disbelief* I don't even know what's going on anymore...

Gran Squirrel: No, he was going to tell Queen Victoria!

Sound Record: *cuckoo clock strike, slowed down*

Sound Record: *1932 foxtrot music, wobbly*.

Old Pheasant: *distance* It's beautiful up here, come in!

Gran Squirrel: I wonder what my tits would say about this?

Badger: *irritated* Why do even talk to you?...

Gran Squirrel: Rubbish, you always talked to me since we first met!

Badger: And when was that!?

Gran Squirrel: Episode one!

Badger: Don't be ridiculous!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up!

Badger: Shut up, yourself!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up!

Badger: Shut up!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up!

Badger: Shut up!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up!

Badger: SHUT UP! IT'S NOT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING!

Gran Squirrel: *screaming* YES IT DOES!

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: IT DOES!

BAdger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: IT DOES!

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: IT DOES!

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: IT DOES!

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: IT DOES!

*silence*

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

*silence interrupted by fart*

Gran Squirrel: IT DOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOES, ITDOESSLOVEEVERYPROBLEMINTHEWORLD! ITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOESITDOES...

Badger: IT DOESN'T!

Gran Squirrel: ITSOESSOVLEANYPROBLEMACROSSTHEWORLDITSOESSOVLEANYPROBLEMACROSSTHEWORLDITSOESSOVLEANYPROBLEMACROSSTHEWORLD!

Badger: IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING!

Neddie Seagoon: *over argument* While the two animals were arguing over nudity and all the inexplicit things, the BRAVE Fox was gathering a huge search party in a nearby tree!

Sound Record:*crowd talking*

Fox: *over sound effect* Okay, we are gathered here to talk about the current situation we are in right now! Weasel has gone missing and we don't even know where she is right now, if someone knows about Weasels whereabouts please raise your hand!

Sound Record: *whine followed by crash*

Old Pheasant: *exhausted* Oh that deer, I must go up there more often!

Fox: *Irritated* CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY YOU ARE COVERED WITH SEEMEN!

Old Pheasant: Whawhawhawhawhawhawhawhatwhatwhatwhatwhat!?... What semen?...

Fox: *sigh* Just tell what you saw when that Weasel disappeared!?...

Old Pheasant: What Weasel...?

Gran Squirrel: *In the distance* Which one were you talking about; The one that is male or the one that is female?

Fox: *Angered* THAT ONE THAT JUST CAME FROM FARTHING WOOD!

Old Pheasant: Which one?...

Fox: *shouting* THE ONE WITH THE ANNOYING LAUGH! IS IT SO HARD TO EVEN GRASP!?

Old Pheasant: *screaming* I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!?#"¤

Fox: What!?... *inaudible swearing*.

Gran Squirrel: I thought you meant those white weasels that live in the area?... Did you mean a brown female weasel with an attractive singing voice?

Fox: You mean terrible...

Gran Squirrel: No, she used to impersonate Marylin Monroe!

Fox: *unsurprised*...Why do I even talk to you?

*silence*

Gran Squirrel: Because I thought you'd never know!

Old Pheasant: Does she have nice dumplings like the others?

Badger: Shut up!

Old Pheasant: Not me!...

Fox: *sarcasm* Is there anyone who knows where Weasel is!?

Gran Squirrel: Yes, she was squished by a giant foot before being taken into a car!

Badger: Don't be ridiculous!

Gran Squirrel: It did sound like a large foot coming from the sky!

Sound Record: *Whine*

Badger: *angered* HOW CAN A FOOT COME FROM THE SKY AND...

Sound Record:*Explosion*

Gran Squirrel: Like that one that has deaded him!...

Sound Record: *Spike Jones and his City slickers with The Black Bottom, then explosion*

Weasel: That wouldn't be so intriguing to make it a long enough feature...

Gran Squirrel: Shut up, you were supposed to be in China!

FX: *whoosh*

Mole: Has anyone else seen Weasel?

Gran Squirrel: Who's Weasel?...

Old Pheasant: SHUT UP!

Fox: SHUT UP!

Old Pheasant: Not you...

Fox: Nevermind, lets just find a way...

Old Pheasant: There's an odd-looking rocket plane out there in the fields!

Fox: A rocket plane out in the fields?... Are you serious?...

Old Pheasant: It even has giant balls!

Vixen: *very confused* How does he even know that there is a rocket plane in White Deer Park?...

Old Pheasant: *screaming* THERE IS A BLOODY ROCKET PLANE OUT THERE IN THE FIELDS AND I SAW IT!

Vixen: Can you even prove it...

Old Pheasant: It's out there, I promise that you are not drunk!...

Fox: What!... What's that doing here!?

Old Pheasant: It's what I told you, simply for the taking!

Gran Squirrel: Never mind that, look up in the sky! There are a pair of giant glasses and it's looking down!

Fox: Never mind that we... Glasses where up... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?

Gran Squirrel: It's what I've been trying to tell ya!

Fox: Nevermind, Let's just get aboard!

Sound Record:*loud whoosh*

Sound Record: *Chinese crowd talking, motorbikes, Chinese folk music, 1950s swing, Chinese Parade, cows mooing, mixed in with odd noises*

Fox: Here we are but where to look?

Neddie Seagoon: Meanwhile, in the Arabic recurburating centre in China!

Sound Record: *Chinese and Arabian crowd talking, farts, African Music, wobbly.*

Weasel: *disgusted* This is the worst place I have ever been to, I am not going to White Deer Park again!

Male Weasel: Keep it quiet! I am trying to get some sleep!

Weasel: I am just trying to make rant on the dreaded Chinese-Arabian recurbating centre!

Male Weasel: Can't you give it a REST!?

Weasel: Easy for you to say; I was just coming to White Deer Park, where everybody is considered equal to everywhere else! Even though I prefer staying there permanently!

Male Weasel: The only thing I see in you is nothing but annoyance!

Weasel: *singing* SAYS THE WEASEL DIESN'T KNOW WHAT'S IT'S LIKE TO WEASLEY AND MEASLEY AND JUST MAKE IT ALL A HELL FOR OTHER WEASELS...

Male Weasel: *over singing* WILL YOU SHUT UP!?...

Neddie Seagoon: Meanwhile just outside a small village in the Mountains of China, The Animals of Farthing Wood were searching fruitlessly for Weasel as she was actually trapped in Arabic recurburating centre in Beijing!

Old Pheasant: Why don' t we try that large village in the distance?

Fox: Perhaps we could...

*Chinese crowd talking, motorcycle, bagpipes, jazz music, Chinese Folk Music, steamboat whistles and other weird noises*.

Old Pheasant: *over record* Goodness gracious, it's crowded that I am used to watching in the cartoons!

Fox: What!?

Old Pheasant: Those cartoons that was every Sunday Morning!

Fox: What?...

Old Pheasant: I was every cartoon movie from the crib 'till I'm Deaded!

Old Pheasant: I don't why Adder just joins in the watching then animitated movies!

Fox: Never mind that, let's just find Weasel!

Old Pheasant: There's even a picture of a naked vixen with large breast things!

Fox: What, you mean that dreadful poster!?

Old Pheasant: It's dreaded!

Fox: Never mind that lets just...

Old Pheasant: *angered* I SAW A CARTOON WITH NAKED WITH LARGE BREAST THINGS!

Fox: *shouting* THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FOX WITH LARGE BREAST THINGS!

Old Pheasant: Shut up!

Fox: Shut up!

Old Pheasant: Shut up!

Fox: *shouting* Shut up!

Old Phesant: *screaming* SHUT UP!

Fox: *irritated* Nevermind, let's just move!

Old Pheasant: Nevermind, I'll just find her!

FX: *whoosh*

Old Pheasant: *shouting* Weasel!? Weasel, where are you!?

Sound Record: *Weasel Screaming, steam virbator, piss noises, etc*

Old Pheasant: Weasel is that you?

Sound Record: *weasel moaning and steam vibrator*

Old Pheasant: *muttering to himself* It's her!...

Sound Record:*whoosh*

Old Pheasant: She is in a large dome in the middle of a city called Beijing-thing!

Fox: Let's go!

Orchestra: *incidental gallop music*

Sound Record:*Gallop*

Sound Record:*knocking on the door*

Old PHeasant: Hello!

Chinese Siamese cat: Hello!

Old Pheasant: Have you seen a weasel with a dreadful singing voice?

Chinese Siamese cat: There's nobody here by that name!

Fox: Don't be ridiculous! We know you have her, what do you want!

Chinese Siamese cat: Uhhh... We want Andy Pandy *singing* Andy Pany is coming to stay...

Fox: *irritated* YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, NOR CAN YOU HAVE WEASEL!

Old Pheasant: *shouting* UNHAND HER, YOU FOREIGN DEVIL!

*Chinese cats muttering gibberish Chinese*.

Weasels: *oralizing and moaning*

Fox: That's her! I can hear it!

Chinese Siamese Cat: sorry she's not here!

Fox: But it is HER!

Old Pheasant: I know you are in there Weasel, don't panic!

Sound Record:*Chinese cats shouting in Chinese Glibberish*

Old Pheasant: UNHAND THAT WEASEL YOU FOERGIN DEVILS!

Sound Record: *door smashing open*

Weasel: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Old Pheasant: OH!

Old Pheasant: Sorry, I must have gotten in at the wrong door!

Male Weasel: Look's like you did!

Old Pheasant: Sorry, but Have I met you before?

Male Weasel: No?

Old Pheasant: Nice knowing you!

Sound record: *fighting and crashing sounds*

Old Pheasant: *over phonograph* Nice weather outside!

Male Weasel: Yes, I was just arriving from Farthing Wood when suddenly a car pulled and human with a big nose came out walloped me!

Old Pheasant: It must have been dreadful!

Weasel: What about me!?

Male Weasel: I'd be proud to have as a mate!

Old Pheasant: You're going to be married? God's peed mate!

Neddie Seagoon: And that's how it ended when they got home they...

Bluebottle: Hey, I didn't to follow the last part!...

Neddie Seagoon: We'll follow there! As the animals got home...

Weasel: Why do I want to be your mate!?

Weasel's mate: 'Cause you are beautiful and I just want to fight everything for you!

Weasel: Mind if I sing for you?

Weasel's mate: NOO!

Weasel: No need to be such a pity!

Sound Record:*Whine followed by explosion*

Bully: WHO AM I!? BU...

Sound Record:*cut off by frying pan hit*

*farthing Wood theme only to be cut of by explosion*. 


End file.
